(Myrna’s message at His Church on May 29, 2016)
OFFENSES ARE INEVITABLE
For the Church to be more Biblical, we’ll have to do some changing… Scripture tells us that “we are members of one another,” part of Jesus’ own Body on the earth. (Eph. 4:25) That’s a pretty close relationship! And, because we are all in process, growing into new creatures in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17), there will inevitably be some bumps and bruises. (Luke 17:1)
As relationships grow deeper, warfare is inevitable. If the enemy can’t keep us from going to church, he will do everything in his power to keep us from becoming the church. One of his favorite tactics is to bring OFFENSES into our lives. So, that’s what we are going to consider today. What do we do when offenses come? How do we handle them in a godly manner?
Satan hates intimacy! He hates it in families, and he hates it in friendships. He knows full well that intimacy needs a committed, covenant environment in which to grow. So, he works against it at the most basic levels. It’s not rocket science. If he can get us to break fellowship, because we are offended, he wins. He wins, and we lose. More than that… the devil wins, Jesus loses – and unsaved people lose, big time!
This is serious business. God has entrusted each of us with the gospel – and there is a vital link between unity in the Body and the eternal destiny of unbelievers. Listen to what Jesus prayed, when He was headed to the cross…
(John 17:20-23 NKJV) I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.
OFFENSES can truly be the “little foxes that spoil the vines” (Song of Solomon 2:15) – or provide a great opportunity to grow, if we handle them correctly.
LADIES, PLEASE!!
The title of the message today is “ODIOUS” AND “SOON-TOUCHY,” a comic take on the verses below. I have no idea who first called these women “Odious” and “Soon-touchy,” but it will work for our discussion…
(Philippians 4:2-3 NKJV) I implore Euodia (“Odious”) and I implore Syntyche (“Soon-Touchy”) to be of the same mind in the Lord. And I urge you also, true companion, help these women who labored with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the Book of Life.
After spending five years as the assistant principal of a middle school, I understand relational problems. When you put pre/young teens together, you get more social interactions per minute than they have ever had to handle – and you are bound to have conflict. (Anyone want to go back to middle school?)
So, I have seen this scenario played out over and over again, and it’s all pretty much the same, with a little twist here and there. They’re just not getting along – and their conflict is affecting everyone else, much like the ladies in Philippi.
Since many of the middle school situations wound up on my doorstep, I developed a way of dealing with them. Often, with no idea of what their relationship was like, I would take a chance and ask, “Didn’t you used to be friends?” Sure enough – about 95% of the time, I would hit a nerve:
“Well – yes – until s/he did or said such and such!”
“No, that wasn’t it. I didn’t do/say that! This is what happened…”
From this point, it would take about five minutes to restore the relationship – because they had never, ever even tried to communicate. So, let’s take a look at what to do when we are offended…
- GO STRAIGHT TO JESUS
Discussing the matter can be a good thing, but doing so with the right person at the right time is even more important. When we are offended, the first thing we need to do is to go straight to the Lord. Ultimately, whenever we are hurt (for any reason) or sick or in trouble; that’s definitely the first place to go…
(Hebrews 4:14-16 NLT) So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
Offenses hurt, and hurt can lead to anger, and anger can lead very quickly to sin. So, we need to head to the cross, asap. God doesn’t use our anger to accomplish His will…
(Ephesians 4:26-27 NKJV) Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.
(James 1:20 NKJV) for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
- DEAL WITH YOUR OWN HEART – REPENT AND FORGIVE
We all know that we must forgive those who hurt us, and being offended qualifies. That should go without saying, but I’m going to say it, anyway – because Jesus did. He was pretty clear on this one…
(Matthew 5:14-15 NKJV) For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
What we need to understand, is that we must keep a vigilant watch over our heart, because it determines the course of our life! (Proverbs 4:23). How many people have broken fellowship over offenses? Way too many. Often, the Lord is trying to knit them into a fellowship, and the enemy comes and sows discord. Instead of dealing with it correctly, in the spirit, the hurt in their heart leads them. It’s the heart that directs our steps – for better or worse…
When we are offended, we need to pay special attention to our heart! We need to learn from the experience, let the Lord minister to us, and teach us. WHY did this offend me? I’m hurt, but WHAT is hurt? My feelings, my pride? Am I disappointed? Did I have expectations (articulated or not articulated) that were not met? Did the situation pick a scab on an old wound? What exactly is going on…? And more importantly, how can I become more like Jesus through this experience?
When Paul and I were first married, we offended each other – a lot. Interestingly, however, whenever I’d be mad at him or he’d be mad at me, it seemed like the Lord arranged for the other one to be away. So, we couldn’t react out of anger, even if we’d wanted to!
Then, during the time the other spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit would minister. After we told Jesus how awful the other one was (see Step 1), God would direct our attention back to ourselves, our own heart. That’s when we’d discover that we were part of the problem, too…
So, we’d wind up repenting of our pride or whatever – and then – the Lord would bring the other spouse home. At that point, our heart was soft, and all we wanted to do was apologize. This humble approach usually opened the door to real communication, and we both grew…a lot. We learned early in our marriage to “keep Jesus between us” like the “threefold cord [that] is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) The same process works in all relationships to bring us closer to Jesus – no matter how the other party reacts.
- IF YOU NEED TO TALK, GO WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE
If you are not ready to talk, because your heart is hard, or you are still mad or have hatred in your heart, it will simply stir up the strife the enemy is trying to promote – whereas love will be like a balm to soothe the situation. So, be sure to ask the Lord if you need to go to them to discuss what happened, even if you feel ready. Once you get through this process, you may not even need to tell the other person at all! God may simply release His love in your heart to cover the sin, and that’s the end of the matter.
(Proverbs 10:12 NKJV) Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.
(Ephesians 4:1-3 NKJV) I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
However, if you do talk about it, your attitude needs to be humble – AND you need to be aware of potential strongholds involved…
(Proverbs 18:19 NKJV) A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.
There could be reasons this person has offended you! Hurting people hurt people. By confronting the situation, you could even run into demons that will be exposed through these circumstance. So, bind the enemy before you approach the person.
(Matthew 7:6 NKJV) Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.
- IF YOU NEED IT, GET HELP
Disunity is serious business – and we may need the help of others to resolve conflicts. Sometimes, if left untreated, there can be serious consequences. In Philippi, that was Paul’s prescription:
(Philippians 4:2-3 NKJV) I implore Euodia and I implore Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. And I urge you also, true companion, help these women who labored with me in the gospel, with Clement also, and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the Book of Life.
Jesus gave clear instructions in Matthew 18:15-17, the “church discipline passage,” about what to do when a brother sins against you. In addition to forgiveness (Matthew 5:14-15), He outlines a process to follow.
(Matthew 18:15-17 NKJV) Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
This is a scary passage, and needs to come with a warning label! Since it can end in what looks like the excommunication of the offender, it could actually be appealing to the one offended. If they haven’t done the first three steps properly and their motives are wrong, do not proceed through this process. This is not a way for the offended to get revenge. If wisdom isn’t applied, as well as other scriptural concepts (e.g. Romans 12:19) unnecessary harm could result.
The word for sin in the original is hamartia or ‘to miss the mark’ or ‘fall short.’ Whereas all sin is definitely serious and certainly falls way short of the glory of God… I would be hard pressed to think that Jesus would advocate taking the “you hurt my feelings” kind of offense to the point of excommunication. Likely, He’s talking more about the “you swindled me in business” or “you tried to steal my man” kind of sin… There is godly wisdom to be applied in these matters, not just the letter of the law, isolating Jesus’ words from the rest of scripture and the character of God, Himself.
At any rate, regardless of the sin involved, if there is an offense, this is still good advice. With that in mind, let’s take a look at this passage again, in a kinder, more gentle version …
(Matthew 18:15-17 MESSAGE) If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love
Getting help can be a good thing, if it’s the right help at the right time. If you can establish what happened – and it’s just a matter of miscommunication or you discover a truth that helps you both – everyone wins; everyone grows!
If there is still a problem, you may want to pray together and revisit it later; give it some time. Agree to disagree; that’s okay, too! (Romans 12:18) Whatever you do, don’t harden your heart or let it come between you. God never told us to hate the “heathen” or the “tax collector.” To the contrary; He told us plainly to love our enemies and pray for those who treat us poorly. (Matthew 5:44)
Even so, know this: God will deal with the proud one way and the humble another… (Psalm 138:6, James 4:6, etc.) He is the great Judge of all the earth. (Psalm 94:1-2) Jesus could exhibit incredible meekness when faced with all manner of accusation and trial, because He “committed Himself to the One who judges righteously.” (1 Peter 2:23)
Christians can have disagreements with each other. Paul did – with Peter and Barnabas and John-Mark. Now in Philippi, Paul was dealing with relational issues between two strong women, Christian leaders in the church. From what we can gather, women in Macedonia in Paul’s day were afforded more freedom than many places. The whole church there began with Lydia, a seller of purple, and these ladies were definitely leaders. Both were friends of Paul; both worked with him to spread the gospel; they were not novices. However, their relational problems were also well-known…
Their disagreements were not necessarily petty – or even emotional. I am just calling them “Odious” and “Soon-Touchy,” because many of the problems we face in fellowship with one another are a matter of getting our feelings hurt or our egos bruised. However, many commentators believe that these ladies were disagreeing over doctrine, and that their conflict was dangerous to the stability of the entire Church in Philippi. It could even cause a split – some following Euodia and some following Syntyche. Either way, the unity of the Spirit would not be kept in the bond of peace, unless something changed – and eternal lives were at stake! So, Paul thought the problem was important enough to address them by name and request help in solving their problems. Our issues are no less important today, whether the affect the whole Church or just a few friends…
- IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS OFFENDED – FIX IT!
Finally, we need to address the one who may have offended… Not to promote insecurity or paranoia, but if you suspect you may have offended someone, it’s a good idea to find out – and fix it! In fact, Jesus thinks you need to tend to that before you worship Him…
(Matthew 5:23-24 MSG) This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.
Each week, we take communion. Each week we have the opportunity to celebrate the fact that the Lord allowed His body to be broken for us. He surely doesn’t want us to break it apart again! So, communion is a great time to examine ourselves and make things right before we receive. (1 Corinthians 11: 27-32) Actually, there’s probably no wrong time to humble ourselves and make things right – or try to, if we’ve made a mistake. We are all learning…
END OF THE MATTER: LOVE
(Colossians 3:12-15 HCSB) Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love–the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful.
LOVE is what Christian maturity looks like! When we are mature, we are not rude or proud (Odious) and we hardly even notice when we are wronged (Soon-touchy). Seeing these ladies in the extreme may help us to see ourselves, grasp the situation, and grow in love. Simply put: When we are odious or soon-touchy, we are yet carnal. When we love, we are like Jesus, exhibiting our new nature.
(1Corinthians 13:4-7 HCSB) Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
